Life is supposed to work on this magical balance system that is always give and take. What you put out into the world is what you get back. And for the most part, this is true. You work hard enough, you can put your flag at the peak with everyone else that made it. That’s the idea. But that isn’t how it actully works and there are these “rules” everyone is supposed to follow. And those rules are always changing to keep a certain “balance” for a select few. Everyone else is left to the chaos that designed struggle. And I personal hate it. I hate it and I want to escape it, even if just for a moment. And this is how I got into a wonderful D/s realtionship.

black chain
Photo by lalesh aldarwish on

BDSM, for me is therapeutic. I’m a black queer fat woman who is poor and trying to just keep her head above water. I make it my business to explore myself with my partners to understand why something seen as wrong feels so right to me. And I am the first to admit that I can be just as lost and confused about it, so therefore I am grateful for others who can write and go more in depth. Sometimes I just don’t have to words to explain. So, allow me to open for a little bit:

Let’s have a tea and kiki party!

I have a horrible habit of falling into this “dark space” when things get too much. Everything gets this sort of artificial chaos energy mixed in and I become this husk that smiles until in can subside. I start to hold my throat more often because it feels safe. I squeeze my wrist and arms to remind myself that I’m still here and I can make it past this. I can handle it. And I do. But sometimes I don’t feel strong enough. I turn to the only person I trust enough to help “reset” me. My Master. He knows me well enough to know when I need to escape for a while and when I’m just trying to avoid the issue as long as possible. If life did have a magical balancing system, it would be him. He is my balance when nothing else seems to work.

On the other side, this seems like a lot for my Master. I asked him if he feels like he gets anything out of our special relationship. He told me the 3 main things he gets from this is: A wonderful submissive who is willing to try almost anything he can think of. A submissive that becomes what he needs and wants, when he needs and want it. And a place where he doesn’t have to worry about which “mask” he has to don on for the day. He is happy, and it makes my heart so full to know I can provide from him what he does for me.

When we first started, I can admit I wasn’t as open with my motivates because I was scared he would think I would be nothing but a burden on him and his “real life”. But, that first year of slowly opening and learning, we both came to a consensual agreement that he would be my anchor when I needed him. And it’s been the best choice I’ve made since. Master is a sadistic charming asshole, and I’m his willing Doll to play with.

Made in Pastel Girl app

Honestly, it’s very hard to let others into my small world like this. I want to express and explore it more. But I always want to make it a point in cases like this, no two relationships are the same and what might be good for me, might be super bad for you. I want all you cupcakes to be the best you can and compare to how you feel a D/s relationship for you might work out.

For me, a form of escape is improtant because the real-world sucks. For him, being himself is improtant because the real-world sucks. For others, they might just really like having a fist shoved in them no other reason than its fun. And it’s all ok! If there is consent.

What are your thoughts, cupcakes? Should I make this a mini-series and share more? Because I can if we really want to go in depth on this.


Shout out the lovelies of the Summer 100. This has been fun! Let’s keep going!



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